So this. is a cautionary tale about. the importance of vulnerability in. healing. your childhood wounds when you’re dating. and you’re searching for love. i met a man on a dating app last week. and. he was nice looking his profile. had a few words in it that resonated. with me. and so we started texting it seemed we. had a lot in common and when i asked. about. the highlight of his day so far which is. a question i like to. ask the people that i am talking to. it’s a good kind of conversation starter. he said that he had had a deep. conversation with good friend that day. and it told me two things about him that. he’s a man who has good friends. and he enjoys deep conversations and. those are. two values that i admire if you want to. know. about a guy and his ability to have. relationships it’s a good thing to ask. him about his friendships.
So when he asked me if i would like to. talk on the phone later that night i. said. sure i thought you’d never ask we spoke. for about an. hour and it was a really good. conversation we connected in many many. ways. we grew up in similar places. we had similar private education. experiences. our religion was the same and a lot of. things i couldn’t tell from his profile. because. it was on bumble and there’s very little. you can see. it felt like we had a lot of values that. aligned he was creative he had just. gotten a new piano. he was musical he seemed like a really. like a guy that. i wanted to meet and so we made plans. to have a covet friendly outdoor walk. the following day as we were hanging up. the phone. he told me that he really enjoyed this. conversation so much it was. like such a breath of fresh air so. refreshing i felt the same way.
And he said he’d be smiling for the next. half hour. he texted me a bouquet of flowers with a. big. wow emoji and. um yeah i was really very uh. excited to meet somebody that i thought. i had. so much in common with well the next. day as soon as we met the yellow flags. started to show up. first he seemed really frazzled he had. gotten a little lost. and he was complaining that people in my. neighborhood are terrible drivers. especially the truck that cut him off. and he was like mad so you know this. kind of road ragey. thing that i heard and the fact that he. was so frazzled because he got a little. lost. you know made my radar go up a little. bit and so he told me how to sit down. to calm down before we took our walk. fine we started talking. he calmed down and as we began to walk. he told me that. he needs to know where he’s going and.
I wasn’t sure where we were going to. walk because the roads were icy and. snowy so i was trying to help him by. letting him know we’re probably you know. going to cross the street here. we’re going to go to the next block and. i was trying to figure it out as i went. i told. him so i said let’s turn right here and. let’s see how the roads are. we walked a few blocks and i was about. to turn left. he started to get really upset where are. we going. i told you i need to know it feels like. you’re in power. right now whoa. major power issues totally freaked out. when he didn’t feel in control. more radar going off he began talking. about some topics that make me really. uncomfortable politics antisemitism. black and white thinking hatred that he. feels towards certain people. and i began to shut down i don’t enjoy. those kinds of conversations.
And he got really defensive he says i’m. sharing with you what’s important to me. obviously i have nothing to say to him. so. i don’t know what to do so now i’m even. more uncomfortable. and you may be wondering at this point. why i didn’t just end the date there. and go home so part of me. really wanted to go home part of me. wanted to walk away but i’m. also a really curious person and i like. to give people the benefit of the doubt. i thought maybe he’s nervous i don’t. know. let’s see because i had experienced a. very different person the night before. so we talked a little more he asked me. what do i want to talk about because i. obviously wasn’t interested in what he. was talking about. so i asked him about his previous. relationships. and not i didn’t ask him for the details. because i don’t want to know that but i.
Wanted to know what he learned. he got a little freaked out by that he. said i don’t talk about people. he kept telling me i don’t talk about. people so when i first heard him say. that. i thought he meant he doesn’t gossip. about people which i admire. but the truth is he doesn’t talk about. people at all. he doesn’t like to go deep into feelings. which i started to find out. as we began to talk and he said. why don’t you go first because i don’t. really know what you’re looking for. so i said well i asked you first i want. to hear what you learned and i was kind. of. being playful and teasing but he got. really flustered. he shared a few details about two failed. marriages. both wives had left him and. his takeaway was women abandoned me. that was what he learned from his past. relationships that didn’t work out. again big yellow flags.
How our conversation went it was just. conflict conflict conflict and he really. didn’t understand why i wanted to go. deeper into feelings. feelings are important to me i said this. is how i create intimacy by getting. vulnerable with somebody by sharing. some things that i learn that i don’t. want to repeat again. and he said i don’t i don’t get. vulnerable. real men don’t express their feelings. real men don’t get vulnerable because. it’s. all risk and no benefit. boom wow uh. he was so shut down and he. he just didn’t want to learn from his. past. and i said you know if you believe that. all women leave you and. all women abandon you know that have you. ever thought about getting therapy for. that and he was like well therapy men. don’t go to therapy. oh man so i said you know i’m attracted. to men who go to therapy.
I’m attracted to men who express their. feelings and who are vulnerable because. that’s how i create. intimacy what i want to. share is the takeaway. you can be brilliant you can be. goodlooking. you can be fit you can be creative and. you can spend your whole life. wondering why relationships don’t work. i’m pretty certain that when i turned. him down for a second date. kindly that he formed all the wrong. conclusions. he probably thought women leave me on or. you know there really are no good women. and i want to ask you how many times. have you walked away from a date. thinking there are no good men or why do. men treat me terribly. or you know why do all men leave me. you know or walk away from a. relationship with the same thing. why does this always happen to me and so. what i want to. challenge you on is to. really see your part i spoke about this.